“Blame it on my wild heart.” So Stevie says, and so I agree. After all, we are both wild hearted witchy women who will never stay static for long, women who reinvent ourselves often but essentially always stay the same. My writing is as elusive and free as my philosophies; otherwise it wouldn’t be truthful to me. The way I write is equally as unconventional; words flow straight from my heart into my head and eventually find themselves scribbled into notebooks and journals. Sometimes I write without thinking, typing away at a blank page which becomes increasingly more filled with my words. This is ultimately how I start out any assignment, any paper I have to turn in. In true gypsy nature I don’t start at the beginning and I don’t start at the end, instead opting to write whatever I’m feeling at the moment about my particular topic and eventually piecing the parts together to create the end result.
Perhaps the most uneasy part of the writing process for me is finding a topic. I tend to be highly indecisive and constantly fickle, so just when I think I’ve found a topic which will hold my interest enough to write about, something else comes to inspire me and my entire topic has changed. Sometimes it’s a simple change, like going from writing about rain to writing about monsoons, or going from writing about my grandmother to writing about specifically her house. Other times it’s a much more intensified change, one that requires me to rewrite my entire essay instead of just reworking certain pieces and elements of one I’ve already composed. This was the case of my Literary Journalism essay. We were asked to research a topic which we would write about and incorporate ourselves and our own views into, and I became instantly excited at this prospect. This was the kind of writing that interested me, a huge fan of research writing. However I was instantly perplexed and uneasy when I realized my range of topic choices, and I knew I’d have to decide on one soon.
I left class that afternoon and began composing a mental list of possible topics. I started by thinking of things that intrigued and interested me, but was also easy enough for me to be able to interview others about them. At first I considered writing a paper on graffiti art. I didn’t know much about the topic but was eager to learn, and I’ve got several acquaintances that have a passion for graffiti. However I soon realized they were unreliable sources who I rarely ever saw and abandoned that idea. It was back to the drawing board again. One night in work I began brainstorming topic ideas with my coworkers. We all shared ideas and themes that we felt passionate about, but nothing really resonated with me. At least I was talking out my ideas though, as this is a process that helps me realize what I’m really focusing on and interested in. When I drove home that night I turned on the radio to Q 104.3 and felt better, knowing I would think of a topic eventually. Then it finally dawned on me: nostalgia as a form of comfort would be a perfect topic!
I arrived home and right away began my essay. It started off rough, trying to find an introduction is always the trickiest part for me, but I finished it in a matter of a few hours. I edited it that night even, cutting out pieces that seemed to not belong, and adding things in that I felt I needed. When I submitted my essay I was content with it and felt it was one of the strongest I had done for the class. My strongest section was when I discussed the perfect timing of a VH1 series called “I love the…” in our current nostalgic-obsessed culture:
there's more but i havent finished yet.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Blog 18: Where I see myself as a writer in the future...
1. I write for myself mainly. I have a few journals, mostly consisting of quotes and lyrics from songs, but there are sporadic pieces of writing I’ve done. I don’t date things, or put things in order, but I often look back into my journals for a source of inspiration for other works of nonfiction and fiction. I tend to write best when I’m sitting in front of a computer with a blank word document staring back at me. However intimidating it is at first, I usually find myself inspired by something, whether it’s the music I’m playing or something going on in my life. Eventually my hands begin typing away and a stream of consciousness type of freewriting occurs.
2. This course helped me realize that I have a lot of things to work on with my writing style. I’m disorganized when I write, often starting at the ending and working backwards, even sometimes just writing pieces of my essay and then fitting it all together. Sometimes none of the segments I write even make it into my final essay; however they always get me to realize my main focus and are always helpful. I also realized that as a writer my main focus is always my subject. I tend to get lost in details about my topic, such as descriptions, memories, feelings, etc. I get so obsessed and worked up over my subject that at times I forget about the rhetoric’s I should be using in my writing.
3. I don’t think at this point I’m ready to do any kind of professional writing. I’m still young and have about three more years of undergraduate school left, and I’m only 19. Although I think the real reason I believe that I’m not ready is because I’m very self conscious about my work.
4. The profession I hope to aquire in the future would be something to do with journalism or research. I guess my dream job would be something like being a writer for something like Rolling Stone or Entertainment Weekly magazines. I'm something of a pop culture aficionado, someone who always wins during those "name that tune" and "trivial pursuit" games. I think that incorporating my love of the media with my love of writing would cause me to want to write for a media-savvy magazine.
5. I would love to write about music, pop culture, and the media. Writing about these things comes easy to me. However, I would also love to write more personal essays, something like a memoir. This type of writing is probably the most dear to my heart, as it's the genre of books that take up most of my personal library. I've even talked to my best friend, whose life has been a constant form of chaos unknown for her young 30 years of age, about working with her on writing a memoir of her life. Also, screenplay writing or screenwriting in general has always seemed intreaguing to me. I like the idea of writing the script for a movie or TV show. I also like writing lyrics...if I could carry a tune or play an instrument i've always had a dream of being a singer/songwriter. In my dreams.
6. I'd like to be published in some kind of media magazine, like I said before.
2. This course helped me realize that I have a lot of things to work on with my writing style. I’m disorganized when I write, often starting at the ending and working backwards, even sometimes just writing pieces of my essay and then fitting it all together. Sometimes none of the segments I write even make it into my final essay; however they always get me to realize my main focus and are always helpful. I also realized that as a writer my main focus is always my subject. I tend to get lost in details about my topic, such as descriptions, memories, feelings, etc. I get so obsessed and worked up over my subject that at times I forget about the rhetoric’s I should be using in my writing.
3. I don’t think at this point I’m ready to do any kind of professional writing. I’m still young and have about three more years of undergraduate school left, and I’m only 19. Although I think the real reason I believe that I’m not ready is because I’m very self conscious about my work.
4. The profession I hope to aquire in the future would be something to do with journalism or research. I guess my dream job would be something like being a writer for something like Rolling Stone or Entertainment Weekly magazines. I'm something of a pop culture aficionado, someone who always wins during those "name that tune" and "trivial pursuit" games. I think that incorporating my love of the media with my love of writing would cause me to want to write for a media-savvy magazine.
5. I would love to write about music, pop culture, and the media. Writing about these things comes easy to me. However, I would also love to write more personal essays, something like a memoir. This type of writing is probably the most dear to my heart, as it's the genre of books that take up most of my personal library. I've even talked to my best friend, whose life has been a constant form of chaos unknown for her young 30 years of age, about working with her on writing a memoir of her life. Also, screenplay writing or screenwriting in general has always seemed intreaguing to me. I like the idea of writing the script for a movie or TV show. I also like writing lyrics...if I could carry a tune or play an instrument i've always had a dream of being a singer/songwriter. In my dreams.
6. I'd like to be published in some kind of media magazine, like I said before.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Blog 15
how did I start?
I started my essay by thinking of a topic, which usually takes me the longest to do. I then begin by writing small paragraphs and pieces of my essay, which are generally out of order, just to see what I want to include.
when did I figure out my focus?
I figured out my focus when I realized that Buffy the Vampire Slayer got me through a lot when I was growing up. In class we did an exercise where we had to write about our topic through the eyes of someone else, and I wrote about it through my ex boyfriend's eyes. By doing this I realized what the show really did for me, and that became my focus.
what did I leave out? what did I change? what did I emphasize?
I didn't leave out much of anything, except for a lot of details on the show's plot. If I could I would go back and work more of this into my essay. I emphasized what watching this show did for me, and how the media can act as a comforting tool.
where did I get stuck and how did I get unstuck?
I orginally got stuck because I had another topic idea in my head, but I kept coming back to this topic, knowing it was really what I wanted to write about.
what were my major revisions?
I added in a new section where I discussed my ex boyfriend's first time watching the show with me.
how did my life (not on the page) affect my writing process?
During this time I was going through several things with my family, and I actually ended up watching Buffy to comfort myself, which was the theme of the essay.
where and when did I write my best? what time?
I write my best at night, in my room, at my desk with music playing in the background.
what writing rituals did I engage in?
I have to write at the end of the day otherwise too many other thoughts are in my head. I also like to have very little distractions around me, except for music.
how did I use thinking, talking and writing to develop my paper?
I talked to my mom and stepdad about the show, and we discussed when we used to watch it, how the show made them feel, and particular things that happened during that time of my life. I also made a list of seasons of Buffy in relation to how old I was and what was going on in my life.
how did I know when I was finished and how did I decide where to start?
I decided to start at the end, when I found out Buffy was cancled. As for finishing, I never truely feel like my papers are finished.
I started my essay by thinking of a topic, which usually takes me the longest to do. I then begin by writing small paragraphs and pieces of my essay, which are generally out of order, just to see what I want to include.
when did I figure out my focus?
I figured out my focus when I realized that Buffy the Vampire Slayer got me through a lot when I was growing up. In class we did an exercise where we had to write about our topic through the eyes of someone else, and I wrote about it through my ex boyfriend's eyes. By doing this I realized what the show really did for me, and that became my focus.
what did I leave out? what did I change? what did I emphasize?
I didn't leave out much of anything, except for a lot of details on the show's plot. If I could I would go back and work more of this into my essay. I emphasized what watching this show did for me, and how the media can act as a comforting tool.
where did I get stuck and how did I get unstuck?
I orginally got stuck because I had another topic idea in my head, but I kept coming back to this topic, knowing it was really what I wanted to write about.
what were my major revisions?
I added in a new section where I discussed my ex boyfriend's first time watching the show with me.
how did my life (not on the page) affect my writing process?
During this time I was going through several things with my family, and I actually ended up watching Buffy to comfort myself, which was the theme of the essay.
where and when did I write my best? what time?
I write my best at night, in my room, at my desk with music playing in the background.
what writing rituals did I engage in?
I have to write at the end of the day otherwise too many other thoughts are in my head. I also like to have very little distractions around me, except for music.
how did I use thinking, talking and writing to develop my paper?
I talked to my mom and stepdad about the show, and we discussed when we used to watch it, how the show made them feel, and particular things that happened during that time of my life. I also made a list of seasons of Buffy in relation to how old I was and what was going on in my life.
how did I know when I was finished and how did I decide where to start?
I decided to start at the end, when I found out Buffy was cancled. As for finishing, I never truely feel like my papers are finished.
Blog 14
My process for writing my personal essay:
think of a topic. always the hardest part, takes the longest for me because i tend to choose something, than switch to something else, than go back to my original idea. which this essay i chose the topic of a bad christmas with my grandparents and sister, last christmas, but decided against writing it at the last minute because i wasnt over the situation yet.
i ended up picking the topic of the media as a way of comfort in the form of "buffy the vampire slayer." the topic was near to my heart because i watched the show religiously for 7 years. "buffy" was like a second family to me, something i always returned to when i was upset. i felt the topic pulling itself to me, and wanted to work on this for my personal essay.
i brainstormed aspects of the show to relate to my life, season by season, before i wrote the essay at all.
next i wrote several paragraphs out of order, sort of as a free write, some of which eventually made their way into my final essay.
i tend to work best when i write a lot about the topic, not necesserally in order, and then piece the writing together in a format which makes sense.
think of a topic. always the hardest part, takes the longest for me because i tend to choose something, than switch to something else, than go back to my original idea. which this essay i chose the topic of a bad christmas with my grandparents and sister, last christmas, but decided against writing it at the last minute because i wasnt over the situation yet.
i ended up picking the topic of the media as a way of comfort in the form of "buffy the vampire slayer." the topic was near to my heart because i watched the show religiously for 7 years. "buffy" was like a second family to me, something i always returned to when i was upset. i felt the topic pulling itself to me, and wanted to work on this for my personal essay.
i brainstormed aspects of the show to relate to my life, season by season, before i wrote the essay at all.
next i wrote several paragraphs out of order, sort of as a free write, some of which eventually made their way into my final essay.
i tend to work best when i write a lot about the topic, not necesserally in order, and then piece the writing together in a format which makes sense.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Instant Nostagia
Jim Morrison’s face is to my direct left, John Lennon’s to my right, and “Baba O‘Riley” plays in the background. If this was 1975, everything would seem normal. But this is 2007, and I should have posters of Britney Spears and Brad Pitt on my wall, while I listen to the Black Eyed Peas out of my stereo ipod and read gossip magazines, instead of Jack Kerouac’s On The Road. When my mother introduces people to my room, she always says the same thing. “Look! It looks just like the 60’s and 70’s!” When she talks about me, she always says the same thing. “Danielle would have fit into my generation better than I did!” I always find this amusing, and other people always find me charmingly nostalgic instead of weird and bizarre. I just don’t understand why.
If we think about it, our entire generation is based off of the past. What goes around comes back around, and around, and around again. The late 90’s saw a burst of sudden interest in swing music of the 1940’s. We also saw a fashion revival of kitschy 1970’s bell-bottomed jeans, yellow smiley faces, yin-yang signs, and loud colors. In fact, my favorite dress of my adolescence was an electric blue spandex ensemble with long sleeves, a pleated skirt, and a yellow etching of “far out” on the front. And this was purchased new in 1996. I guess it’s no wonder why I’m such a nostalgic teenager now, after all, I grew up listening to my parents music like most people my age, and realized that the 1960’s and 1970’s had far better songs and songwriters than we do now. I opt for Q 104.3’s classic rock playlist rather than the pop assortment on Z 100. Owens Lee Pomeroy once said, “Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, but the past perfect!” When people ask me why I don’t like this generation much, I have a simple answer. It’s just not as good as the past.
My stepfather was born in 1966, making him a teenager during the 1980’s, a time which he remembers fondly. “The 80’s definitely had the best music, the best clothes, the best movies and TV shows. Back to the Future and The Wonder Years were great. And Bruce Springsteen is still my favorite singer of all time.” Interestingly enough, Back to the Future focused mostly on time travel back to the 1950’s, and The Wonder Years were a retro look into the 1960’s. And isn’t it safe to say that Bruce Springsteen is the 1980’s rock version of Bob Dylan, the singer-songwriter who spoke to a middle class generation? Every generation has its fair share of nostalgia, whether we’d like to admit to it or not.
Turn on the television and you’ll notice a lot of reruns of TV shows from the 1980’s and 1990’s. Notice the feeling you get when you watch something like Home Improvement or Full House or even something more recent like Friends. I tend to feel safe, secure, and long for a past that includes having nothing better to do than stay home on a Friday night watching TGIF in footy pajamas with my parents. Nostalgia makes us all feel homesick for a time when we felt safer, more secure and like things were better. In this generation, with times as fast paced and turbulent as they are, we need nostalgia to keep that sense of security and safeness. We use nostalgia to make ourselves feel better when we’re stressed out, to calm ourselves down, and to look back on a not-so-recent past and sigh, knowing the good old days are merely a memory now.
Beginning in 2002, VH1 launched a 10 part series called I Love the 80s which featured popular figures providing comedic commentary on things like Chia Pets and Glow Worms, movies like Pretty In Pink, and singers like Tiffany and George Michael. If something like this had premiered any earlier in the brand new decade, or waited any longer, it may not have worked. In 2002, however, just after the September 11th crisis that effected our nation greatly and made everyone feel unsafe on US soil, nostalgia was just what we needed to feel secure again. VH1 realized that the I Love the 80s series was a huge success, and seized the opportunity to create more shows about decade nostalgia like it. They soon after launched I Love the 70s and I love the 90s, the former something many thought would be too dated for most young adults to find humorous, and the latter something many thought would be too recent to reflect on. However, both series worked perfectly with our retro-obsessed generation, and each got their own retrospective sequels, as well as the I love the 80s installment, which even got a third show, I love the 80s 3D. When I love the 90s premiered in 2004, my friends and I had a party, dressing up in our favorite 90’s ensembles, many of us raiding our parents closets, and some of us raiding our own for our outdated N’sync and Spice Girls t-shirts. None of us found it strange that we were reminiscing about a decade that had ended a mere four years earlier. All we saw was an opportunity to wear flannel and fanny-packs and not be ridiculed. Finally, the 90s, the culture of our youth, was getting its proper respect! Kind of.
I asked my best friend why our generation is so obsessed with the past. She told me,“ I think it's because our lives aren't nearly as exciting. People had more fun back then and less responsibility.” It seems that way to us now, but that’s probably not true at all. In fact, it’s almost entirely the opposite. The early 1960’s were a dangerous time, with civil rights issues and everyone scared of nuclear war. The 1980’s were filled with greed and a terrible drug epidemic of crack cocaine. Almost every generation before us had it rougher than we did, and without our current technologies, everything took longer to do and took much more effort. Responsibility as a teenager and even child was often much greater than the youth of this generation ever will receive. However, she’s also right, because that’s what we view the past as; a safer time for us to reminisce about, a time when things were classic and simple like in the 1950’s, or carefree and campy like in the 1970’s. We view the past in the way we wish it was, in the way that makes us feel the most comfortable, however distorted it might seem.
In the near future, what will we have left to reminisce about? Surely we will have squeezed out every last bit of nostalgia for the previous five decades, and no one wants to muse over the 1940’s, as exciting as they were. Eventually our generation will have no choice but to live in the present, having exhausted every last resource of nostalgia we have. There’s only so many old songs you can listen to, so many old movies you can watch, only so many old episodes of Family Matters one human being can take. Eventually we will have to become nostalgic for this generation, for things like American Idol, the Bush administration, Eminem, and Paris Hilton. Until that day comes, we can all plug in our lava lamps and listen to “Livin’ La Vida Loca” on our walkmans feeling as safe as ever.
If we think about it, our entire generation is based off of the past. What goes around comes back around, and around, and around again. The late 90’s saw a burst of sudden interest in swing music of the 1940’s. We also saw a fashion revival of kitschy 1970’s bell-bottomed jeans, yellow smiley faces, yin-yang signs, and loud colors. In fact, my favorite dress of my adolescence was an electric blue spandex ensemble with long sleeves, a pleated skirt, and a yellow etching of “far out” on the front. And this was purchased new in 1996. I guess it’s no wonder why I’m such a nostalgic teenager now, after all, I grew up listening to my parents music like most people my age, and realized that the 1960’s and 1970’s had far better songs and songwriters than we do now. I opt for Q 104.3’s classic rock playlist rather than the pop assortment on Z 100. Owens Lee Pomeroy once said, “Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, but the past perfect!” When people ask me why I don’t like this generation much, I have a simple answer. It’s just not as good as the past.
My stepfather was born in 1966, making him a teenager during the 1980’s, a time which he remembers fondly. “The 80’s definitely had the best music, the best clothes, the best movies and TV shows. Back to the Future and The Wonder Years were great. And Bruce Springsteen is still my favorite singer of all time.” Interestingly enough, Back to the Future focused mostly on time travel back to the 1950’s, and The Wonder Years were a retro look into the 1960’s. And isn’t it safe to say that Bruce Springsteen is the 1980’s rock version of Bob Dylan, the singer-songwriter who spoke to a middle class generation? Every generation has its fair share of nostalgia, whether we’d like to admit to it or not.
Turn on the television and you’ll notice a lot of reruns of TV shows from the 1980’s and 1990’s. Notice the feeling you get when you watch something like Home Improvement or Full House or even something more recent like Friends. I tend to feel safe, secure, and long for a past that includes having nothing better to do than stay home on a Friday night watching TGIF in footy pajamas with my parents. Nostalgia makes us all feel homesick for a time when we felt safer, more secure and like things were better. In this generation, with times as fast paced and turbulent as they are, we need nostalgia to keep that sense of security and safeness. We use nostalgia to make ourselves feel better when we’re stressed out, to calm ourselves down, and to look back on a not-so-recent past and sigh, knowing the good old days are merely a memory now.
Beginning in 2002, VH1 launched a 10 part series called I Love the 80s which featured popular figures providing comedic commentary on things like Chia Pets and Glow Worms, movies like Pretty In Pink, and singers like Tiffany and George Michael. If something like this had premiered any earlier in the brand new decade, or waited any longer, it may not have worked. In 2002, however, just after the September 11th crisis that effected our nation greatly and made everyone feel unsafe on US soil, nostalgia was just what we needed to feel secure again. VH1 realized that the I Love the 80s series was a huge success, and seized the opportunity to create more shows about decade nostalgia like it. They soon after launched I Love the 70s and I love the 90s, the former something many thought would be too dated for most young adults to find humorous, and the latter something many thought would be too recent to reflect on. However, both series worked perfectly with our retro-obsessed generation, and each got their own retrospective sequels, as well as the I love the 80s installment, which even got a third show, I love the 80s 3D. When I love the 90s premiered in 2004, my friends and I had a party, dressing up in our favorite 90’s ensembles, many of us raiding our parents closets, and some of us raiding our own for our outdated N’sync and Spice Girls t-shirts. None of us found it strange that we were reminiscing about a decade that had ended a mere four years earlier. All we saw was an opportunity to wear flannel and fanny-packs and not be ridiculed. Finally, the 90s, the culture of our youth, was getting its proper respect! Kind of.
I asked my best friend why our generation is so obsessed with the past. She told me,“ I think it's because our lives aren't nearly as exciting. People had more fun back then and less responsibility.” It seems that way to us now, but that’s probably not true at all. In fact, it’s almost entirely the opposite. The early 1960’s were a dangerous time, with civil rights issues and everyone scared of nuclear war. The 1980’s were filled with greed and a terrible drug epidemic of crack cocaine. Almost every generation before us had it rougher than we did, and without our current technologies, everything took longer to do and took much more effort. Responsibility as a teenager and even child was often much greater than the youth of this generation ever will receive. However, she’s also right, because that’s what we view the past as; a safer time for us to reminisce about, a time when things were classic and simple like in the 1950’s, or carefree and campy like in the 1970’s. We view the past in the way we wish it was, in the way that makes us feel the most comfortable, however distorted it might seem.
In the near future, what will we have left to reminisce about? Surely we will have squeezed out every last bit of nostalgia for the previous five decades, and no one wants to muse over the 1940’s, as exciting as they were. Eventually our generation will have no choice but to live in the present, having exhausted every last resource of nostalgia we have. There’s only so many old songs you can listen to, so many old movies you can watch, only so many old episodes of Family Matters one human being can take. Eventually we will have to become nostalgic for this generation, for things like American Idol, the Bush administration, Eminem, and Paris Hilton. Until that day comes, we can all plug in our lava lamps and listen to “Livin’ La Vida Loca” on our walkmans feeling as safe as ever.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Literary Journal Handout
Danielle Sweeney
Literary Journal Project
November 19th 2007
Creative Nonfiction
1. Analysis of the editorial description of essays accepted: http://www.slowtrains.com/slowtrainssub.html Looks for essays of fiction and nonfiction and poetry which “reflect the spirit of adventure, the exploration of the soul, the energies of imagination, and the experience of Big Fun.” Includes articles about things people are passionate about.
2. Description of several representative essays published in your venue:
Bob Dylan: An Appreciation of How He Is Now- an essay about the works of Bob Dylan
What Music Can Mean- an essay about the appreciation of classical music
Contemplating Kerouac: A Pilgrimage to Lowell- an essay about one mans journey to visit the birthplace of beat writer Jack Kerouac
subject matter: (perspective/politics/material) Varied, though their favorite topics to read about include music, travel, baseball, love, spirituality, childhood, coming of age, loss, sex, and humor. They do not accept genre writing such as sci-fi, horror, erotica, or romance. voice: wants to have submissions of essays that have subjects which showcase the passions of the writer.
depth of discussion: Focuses on the transforming power of things like music and art to the soul.
form: (modes of writing/experimental)- essays, poems, and fiction
artistry: moderate to high.
length: Fiction and essays must be less than 5000 words, poetry less than 200 lines.
3. Niche
Audience: people who are interested in art, music, and culture.
Purpose: To publish an aesthetically pleasing piece that reads on multiple layers.
4. Other-
Responds within two months
Only accepts via email
Must include a short bio of self with submission
All submissions should be emailed to editor@slowtrains.com
Sunday, November 4, 2007
My personal essay done.
| In the spring of 2003 during my freshman year of High School, I opened up my mailbox one afternoon to an issue of Entertainment Weekly with Sarah Michelle Gellar, the star of Buffy, on the cover. Initially excited at the prospect of reading an article about my favorite TV show, my face dropped the instant I read the headline: “Buffy Calls It Quits.” I dropped the magazine to the floor and stared into space in disbelief. This couldn’t be happening, it couldn’t be real. I guess I always knew that the series couldn’t last forever, that it had to end eventually, but it all seemed so sudden. “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” wasn’t just a show to me, it was therapy, a parent almost, teaching me life lessons and helping me grow up. Like millions of dedicated fans who read that magazine along with me, I felt my first real dose of heartbreak. It’s the spring of 1997, a Saturday afternoon, and I’m eight years old. My mother and my father had just finalized their divorce a few months earlier, so my mother, younger sister and I are living in a two family house which barely has room for all three of us. I’m comforted by the small living room, which brings the three of us closer together as we all sit on the couch watching TV or playing with toys. Actually, by this point it’s the four of us. My mother’s boyfriend Steve, who is now my stepfather, is basically living with us. Since I’ve known Steve since I was just a toddler, I don’t feel threatened by this, nor do I feel protective over my mother. However, I do feel that my once seemingly fine family is crumbling around me, and I do wonder why my Daddy left us. The sun is shining brighter than normal this Saturday, but as soon as the television turns on, it seems to dim the lights in the entire house. An eerie music fills the room as Steve raises the volume and tells us what we’re watching. “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” he says. “Maybe the girls are too young for this.” My mother seems to agree, but I beg to stay and watch the show for a little while at least. Even at eight years old I know what I’m interested in. My mother reluctantly agrees, but makes my sister leave the living room, after all, she’s only six. For the next hour the three of us are memorized by one of the first episodes of the newly premiered show, listening to the hip dialogue, laughing at all of the jokes, and jumping in our seats when the “bad guys” come on screen. Instantly I am hooked. Like most children who can remember everything about the first time they played with a certain toy, or most adults who can remember what they felt the first time they heard Led Zeppelin, I can remember exactly how I felt that first season of watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I felt oddly protected, not only from the strong blonde heroine of the show, but also by my mother and stepfather who were just as entranced with it as I was. We had formed a bond over Buffy, a ritual Tuesday night viewing of the show that was all I seemed to talk about in school. Even my friends called me “Buffy,” which must have seemed weird to my teachers. I was the nine year old who preferred vampires and demons to Barbie dolls and Pretty Pretty Princess. The first season of Buffy The Vampire Slayer began airing just after my ninth birthday in March of 1997, a full ten years ago. Based loosely on an early 90’s movie of the same name, “Buffy” was created by writer Joss Whedon when he decided he was sick of seeing the young blonde girl in horror movies constantly portrayed as the victim. He instead drew up the idea for a teenage girl named Buffy Summers who would be blonde, beautiful, smart, endearing, and oddly tough. Buffy was, as the title suggests, a vampire slayer, the “chosen one” who had the power to slay the vampires, demons, and forces of darkness. Try as she might to live a normal teenage life, such as join the cheerleading squad, attend her school prom, study, and date someone who didn’t turn out to be a vampire, normal just wasn’t in the cards for Buffy Summers. As the series progressed, so did my life. Just a few episodes into season two, my mother and stepfather got married, and we soon moved into a new house which would become the place where I watched “Buffy” for the next six years. Almost all of my memories of Tuesday nights with my stepfather and mother involve being in the family room on my couch, hypnotized for an hour by what was happening onscreen. In season four, Buffy and the gang embarked on College, and was starting Middle School. These occurrences were obviously not the same, but in my eleven year old brain I found this coincidence to be helpful and strengthening. After all, if Buffy could deal with changing schools and simultaneously battling vampires on a weekly basis, I could certainly handle the sixth grade. Sometimes the bullies, popular girls, and even teachers seemed like the forces of evil. Having Buffy in my mind at all times kept me stronger. I could do it all. Seasons five and six were especially dark, and did nothing to stop my mother’s claims that perhaps this show was to advanced for someone my age. Of course, she never won that argument, and I continued watching “Buffy”, only now I was too embarrassed to view it with my parents. I instead began watching the series alone, unless the episode was lighthearted or extremely important, in which case I would have to view with them and discuss all of the jokes and significant plot movements. During these years, when I was just beginning the leap from adolescence into pre-teens, and then finally being a teenager, Buffy was growing like I was. She was maturing, finding herself, going through dark and rough times, and I was finding myself too. Perhaps I didn’t have to fight an evil hell-god named Glory who would stop at nothing to find a key back to her home dimension, but my struggles seemed real and impossible at times too. I’m scared out of my mind right now, and he knows it. I’m sitting on my boyfriend’s bed watching TV and freaking out because I have to start college tomorrow. I gulp and sigh, I need comforting, fast. He doesn’t know what to say or do that’s going to calm me down, but suddenly a thought comes to him. Steve reaches for the DVD collection that I had brought over a month ago, one we hadn’t touched yet in between watching “Dazed and Confused” and “Forrest Gump.” He reaches for “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” season four, and puts the first disc in. All of a sudden I feel better. I find myself talking to him about the series, telling him all about how it changed my life, how I grew up watching it, and explaining to him the synopsis of every season until the point the cant take anymore and insists we just sit back and watch. One week and several episodes later, he is hooked on the show and ends up buying me more seasons on DVD so we can continue viewing together. Coincidentally, I’ve started college, and I’m dealing with it fine. I guess it didn’t hurt that the first episode he picked to play that day was entitled “The Freshman” and dealt with Buffy’s pre-college jitters. When the final episode aired I had to watch it in my kitchen sitting between stacked boxes and my microwave. We had just moved into our new house, literally three days before, and it was the first day our cable was installed. Of course, I panicked all week at the thought of my TV not working during the series finale, thinking of alternate places I could watch the show at. I sat on a folding chair surrounded by a cluttered mess of moving material, directly in front of the television, transfixed as I waited for 8:00pm for what I knew would be the last time. I was watching the episode alone, something I rarely did, because my parents were busy setting up our house in all the other rooms. I also put out strict instructions that if anyone in the house interrupted me during this house, I wouldn’t speak to them ever again. By 9:00 I was a wreck, crying and clutching at the screen, wanting more. I felt betrayed, abandoned, and lost. I also felt slightly embarrassed for crying over a television show, but at that point I didn’t care. “Buffy” had trapped me since 1997, leading me into a fantasy world that was full of vampires, demons, and ass-kicking blondes equipped with witty banter and sarcasm. I looked around my kitchen, at a house which was strange and new, a house which I had never watched “Buffy” in before, so it seemed fitting that I would never sit down on a Tuesday at 8pm to watch it here again. I knew my life was changing and that I was on the brink of growing up, and that by this time next year, I would be sixteen and wouldn’t have time for silly television shows. For that night however, I was still fifteen, I was still innocent and naive, and losing “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” was still the scariest thing the world had thrown at me. Looking back, I long for that night. Currently my grandmother is in the hospital, my mother has to go get tests done from the doctor, and my ex-boyfriend and I just got into a huge fight. I am a wreck. There are literally thousands of ways I could be dealing with my pain; most of them are unhealthy, some of them are illegal, and a few of them involve cookie dough ice cream. Instead, I sit here on my couch curled up under a blanket watching my favorite season of “Buffy.” For at least an hour I don’t have to remember why I’m sad, and I don’t have to think about what I’m going to do after the episode ends. Right now it’s just me and Buffy Summers, and I am as content as I was when it premiered ten years ago, as emotional as I was when it ended four years ago, and as nostalgic as I’ll always be. |
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